So, *who* pays to raise the child in this new forced birth reality?
“That’s a good point you raise”
Over this past weekend I engaged in several thoughtful, respectful conversations in my Instagram DMs with people who celebrated Friday’s Supreme Court ruling. I chose to engage, knowing that we have a wide chasm of differing perspectives to close, and one way to close it is through 1:1 conversation.
I shouldn’t be surprised that the point I raised was new to him: that in all the pro-life discussion, there’s never a conversation about who will be financially responsible for an unwanted, yet forced birth of a child. But it still shocks and angers me.
The financial (physical, emotional, psychological) burden disproportionately falls on the woman, the person with the uterus.
Having a child has a profound short and long-term impact on the financial health of the mother, or person, birthing a child.
I told him…
“I have worked with many single, divorced mothers (who are often also survivors of physical, sexual, emotional, and financial abuse). I see how they have to take unpaid time off of work to care for their children, decline promotions or job opportunities that leave no room for the reality of children’s needs. They predominantly hold the financial burden of raising children to adults, or they have to fight in court to get the father to contribute. Going the legal route is often too costly, too exhausting and operates within patriarchal preference.
So, I am curious to know how you believe the fathers should be held financially accountable for their direct role in impregnation? How should the government be held financially accountable for a forced birth? I don’t see this being a part of this side of the conversation. Ever.”
The reason that the topic of financial responsibility is not central, why it is invisible, is because women’s labor, sacrifice, and maternal role has been assumed. Taken for granted. Used. Abused.
So let’s bring this very necessary financial conversation to the forefront with the answer of “How Much Does it Cost to Raise a Child in America? shall we?
The cost of raising a child until age 17 is $233,610 on average.
Low-income married couples spend $174,690 on average to raise a child.
Low-income single parents spend $172,200 to raise a child from birth until age 17.
The average amount spent on raising a child in the Urban West is $245,460.
A vaginal birth costs $10,413 on average in Alaska.
The average cost of daycare for an infant is $20,415 in Massachusetts.
Some Obvious Direct Costs
prenatal vitamins
time off work for medical appointments
the cost of a birth (I have seen clients wait years to have a 2nd child because they haven’t yet paid off the first birth)
diapers
unpaid maternity leave
food, shelter, healthcare, clothing + other necessities
daycare until age 5
before / after school care until (at least) age 10
childcare in the summer until (at least) age 10
Some Not so Obvious Indirect Costs
Taking unpaid time off work - for sick children, for no school days, school closures, pandemics
Declining a promotion (and raise) because it would demand more time + energy (and there is none left to give)
Taking positions that allow flexibility for caregiving over a position with retirement benefits (this includes self-employment)
Simply not having enough to contribute to retirement because all of your funds are going to support your child.
Click here to calculate how much it would cost you to raise children - as a single or married person.
Child support is a bit of a joke, too - $430/month on average per child - but take a look for yourself if you want to run those numbers.
Please keep in mind that the above list assumes there are no medical, cognitive, or emotional needs for the child requiring more care and increased financial expense.
And in case you are thinking about it, I don’t believe - for a million reasons - that adoption is an alternative.
So, who pays to raise a child in this new forced birth reality?
Will there be automatic DNA tests for the father and *adequate money withheld from their paychecks that goes directly to support the child until they turn 18 - no legal battle required?
Will the father’s retirement accounts be split 50/50 with the mother - no legal battle required?
(I wonder just how quickly things would change if this were law)
Will the government assume the cost of birth? Maternity leave? Will it subsidize childcare? Affordable housing? Subsidized healthcare? Mental health support?
While the man I was speaking to via DM did say he thought the father needed to take financial responsibility, he gave no suggestions about what that would look like or how they would be held accountable.
And that infuriates me.
When we are talking about LIFE, we need to open the aperture to the full support of that life - and the life that supports that life.
In the economic structure we exist in, it is unconscionable not to.
Of course I have many other opinions on this topic, but am using my own lane to add to the broader conversation. I am sure I have missed a million points, but it is all too fresh, all too raw.
I am grieving. I am tired. I am full of rage.
I needed to speak the thoughts that have been swirling in my mind, even if they lay incomplete.
In this new reality we exist in, we need to hold ever-bolder conversations. I hope this gives you some specific financial points to use the next time you engage in one.
Thank you for being here. For listening. For taking the actions you are taking, in the ways that are most genuine to you.